Tuesday, January 29, 2013

11 Months

Well, it's not technically 11 months now.  It's 11 months, 10 days.  But as I sat in Liv's room, sobbing, I realized I might want to write this out.  And 11 months is close enough.  But at this point, I've really stopped counting up, and instead, mentally started counting down.

Carpenter's birthday is less than one month away.  

I've talked to people about their angels' birthdays a million times.  Almost all of them have told me that the days leading up are so much harder than the actual day.  And I thought this must be due to planning how to spend the day when you should be buying cakes and party hats.  

No, it's way more than that.  

For the past week or so, there's been this overwhelming sense of angst and emptiness.  There haven't been any huge triggers, I've kept the planning for his birthday pretty matter-of-fact, and I've been quite busy.  But when I stop, take a breath, or lie down, it's there again.  

The worst this week has been the feeling of needing to fill my arms.  Such a universal experience, I'm suffering from empty arms.  So today I asked Mike to get me a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day.  And I had to dry my tears before I could even finish my request.  

I used to wonder when the roller coaster of grief would start the painful decent leading to this milestone.  Now here I am, just under a month away from his birthday, and the pain is sneaking up on me slowly.  

It's going to be a long month, I guess.


  1. Sending you hugs! I know how you feel about feeling of wanting to hold them in your arms. Jamie, my husband, had won me this penguin at the fair a few years ago and he always gets put on our bed. Recently I have found myself hugging it for dear life every night when I go to bed.

    1. Xochitl, have you signed up for A Heart To Hold? I definitely suggest it. But I'm so glad you have something to hold. I'm thinking about heading to Build A Bear asap. :)

  2. Oh Annie, I'm so sorry... I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers in these weeks leading up to Carpenter's birthday <3

    Also I know what you mean about wanting to fill your empty arms. I recently received my stuffed heart from A Heart to Hold and after weighing it and seeing it weighed exactly the same amount as Gabriel, I picked it up in my arms and was amazed at how comforting it was just to hold something that reminded me of holding my baby. It's not the same, but it does help so much.

    1. Catherine, you just don't know how much it means to me that you're saying prayers for me. Thank you! I do have a heart from AHTH that I love so much, but I think it's almost like I need to hold something that would be his size NOW instead of when he was born. As if I'm starting to think of him as a bigger baby in my dreams. I just don't know what's going on in my mind these days...