Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Trigger Episodes

I just had what I call a "trigger episode" in Target, and I wanted to write this down before the feeling went away.  I call it a "trigger episode" because I see a grief-trigger, and my body responds physically.  I saw a woman, my age, standing in the entryway.  When she moved, I saw she had been perfectly blocking a stroller--a triplet stroller--full of newborns.  And here's what I felt, physically.

Heart palpitations
My heart sinking
Overwhelming sorrow
The urge to sob
The inability to sob
Weakness in my arms
The urge to sink to the floor and lie down
Flight instinct
Cracking voice
Heavy head

When I saw her later, walking with her husband and babies, I literally looked at them, yanked my cart around (with Liv in it) and sped off in the other direction.  It's been twenty minutes since I got home and I'm still weak in the knees.  But I wanted to write this down quickly (haphazardly) while I knew I could accurately explain it.  Because sometimes I worry that people think this is all in my head. 


  1. I am so sorry and it's not fair. I can just feel the gut wrenching pain in your words. ((HUGS))

  2. Debby, as always you are so supportive. Thanks, always.