I've been working on this blog post for a long time now. It just seems like I can't figure out how to explain it. Because everyone expects you to go back to normal. And you do. You just go to a new normal.
Before Liv came along, I worked as an event and wedding planner for one of the top places to get married in the state. A normal day for me would keep me working until 1am, then home to soak my high-heeled feet, and I always got such a high from a successful wedding. I was a serious businesswoman who stood for no nonsense. (One of my lazier coworkers referred to me as "that pushy b*tch," and I've got to be honest, I wore that badge with honor.) Anyway, after Liv, I quit. My life turned to planning her life, grocery trips and errands. I became super-organized in things like homemade baby food. And I still did some events, just to keep my pushy-muscle toned.
When Carpenter died, the weeks following were obviously pretty abnormal. I mostly sat in bed, sobbing, watching TV. When I did leave the house, I had to take an Ativan to keep from panicking on people in the streets. Triggers were everywhere. I was broken. (I still am broken.) The strangest thing was that I suddenly had no interest in any of the events I was working on.
I started avoiding my email inbox. Every phone call made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't handle the idea of working on someone's special day when I was being cheated out of one myself. The most irritating part was I couldn't bring myself to participate in what seemed like such a petty event. (And I know it's not petty. But it's hard to explain that to Grieving-Annie.)
So, I talked to people. I turned to the internet. I drove my husband nuts. But finally someone said to me that not only did they understand, but my reaction is normal. I was looking for "My New Normal."
And I guess that's what this is. My search for the New Normal. My quest to find out exactly how I carry Carpenter in my heart and still face the world.
So far, I'm taking the passionate approach to the world, hanging my heart on my sleeve and reaching out to others. "Healing through helping" is what my grief therapist called it. I will heal my own heart by trying to help others in any way I can. I know it's early in my search, but thus far I like the new normal. It looks pretty good on me.